Part I of 2.

By Pat Centner, AFA Journal staff writer

 March 2002 – In a country where one in every four adults has experienced at least one divorce in his or her lifetime, where divorce is the norm rather than the exception, and whereas many Christians get divorced as do non-Christians, there are still some rays of hope that these trends can be reversed and life begin anew for Christian couples who want to preserve their marriages.  

This hope comes in the form of some fresh insights on the part of marriage experts who assert that the radical changes in American culture the past three decades have made a deeply significant impact on why people get divorced. Fortunately, these therapists and authors also offer insight into what couples can do to restore a marriage on the rocks, as well as provide advice for couples not yet at that point so they can prevent divorce from ever becoming a possibility.  

Dr. Daniel Zink, Assistant Professor of Practical Theology at Covenant Seminary in St. Louis, Missouri, is also a marriage counselor who has spent several years working with couples who are disillusioned with their marriages. In an interview with Dr. Zink, he related findings from his own experiences, as well as information from books he recommends for couples seeking help.  Although Dr. Zink works with both believers and non-believers, for purposes of this article, he was asked for his insight as a Christian speaking to Christians. 

Q.  In your view, what are some of the top factors that contribute to the likelihood of a divorce in today’s America?
A.  One must first understand that divorce is a complicated topic, and there are different combinations of reasons for different people. Traditionally, though, the issues that are mentioned most often are in-law problems, parenting, sexual issues, money – and communication. My thinking is that communication really encompasses the other four, because lack of communication on any issue is reason enough for problems to appear.

However, as I’ve read more, I’ve seen a couple of issues addressed that I believe are really closer to the center of the truth. 

The first is commitment.  Unfortunately, changes in American culture over the past 25 years or so have had a very negative impact on how we think about commitment. Bill Dougherty addresses this subject in his book, Take Back Your Marriage.  He says there are two kinds of marital commitment today: 1) “commitment-as-long-as,” and 2) “commitment-no-matter-what.” The first reflects a cultural trend toward “tentative” commitment. A couple is committed as long as they make each other happy, as  long as neither has an affair, as long as the sex is good, etc. The second combines elements of traditional religious and moral commitment with newer elements that recognize that marriage must be an intentional process of shared maintenance and renewal. 

I would add from a Christian perspective that it would be beneficial for us to reacquaint ourselves with what the Bible says about marriage. Any good Biblical definition of marriage has to include the word “covenant.” And the word covenant represents more than just a contract. It’s a life-long bond that’s not intended to be broken – a pledge by a couple that they will work through whatever comes their way, because marriage is a covenant.

There are, of course, certain situations where divorce is the best and only route to take. If a husband beats his wife continuously and shows no remorse or inclination that he will ever change, in my view the wife has grounds for divorce. I would like to add here that I neither judge nor condemn anyone who is, or has been, divorced. But I do believe that a return to the concept of commitment-no-matter-what would change the face of our country for the better. Obviously, such commitment includes other elements like mutual respect, hard work, give and take, and self-sacrifice on the part of the people who live it.

The second major cultural force threatening marriages today is the phenomenon of “consumer marriage.” Dougherty calls it “the consumer culture of marketplace values, which has crept unnoticed into the family.” I agree completely. We’ve been affected so much by our consumer culture that we even enter marriage with a “consumer attitude.” We’re taught that we deserve a better car, or we deserve a new house. And as a partner in a marriage that’s floundering, the consumer attitude echoes: “I deserve so much better than this. I should have the best. I can always trade up.” This thinking fits right in with the erosion of commitment and resulting increase in divorce that has plagued our nation.

One of the biggest problems with consumer marriage is that it is “me” focused. “What am I getting out of this marriage?” or “What’s in it for me?” When we become dissatisfied with our mate, the consumer in us says we’ve not gotten the best deal by marrying this person. Clearly, this kind of attitude will lead to less satisfaction than an attitude focused on commitment to the marriage relationship.

Besides what Dougherty says on this subject, there has been very little written about how the culture as a whole has been affected by divorce. Most of the discussion among researchers is, “Is this a battle people will get over in a couple of years, or is this a long-term stresser?” I think it’s a little of both, actually. 

I graduated from high school in 1971. I lived in kind of a blue-collar neighborhood, but didn’t have any knowledge of parents being divorced. There may have been some, but I didn’t know about it. My kids can’t say that at all. They have story after story of their friends’ parents being divorced, their whole lives, really. When my wife and I have a disagreement, our kids ask us, “Are you going to get a divorce?” I think divorce has had a drastic effect on our culture. I think that’s why the age for a first-time marriage has gone up, and why so many people are choosing to cohabit instead of marry. 

Q.  Are there other reasons why marriages are in such jeopardy today?
A.  Yes. Here are a few that may sound familiar. 1) We’re too busy – we let too many other things take priority; 2) We get too used to our mate – “familiarity breeds contempt;” 3) TV and other media come between us; 4) We stop dating, especially after the kids come along; and 5) we don’t maintain our marriages – very little effort is given to nurturing the love we shared when we first married. 

Q.  From a Biblical perspective, what would you say to Christians who are contemplating divorce?
A.  I think it goes back to that whole “covenant” discussion. And I would add a reminder that in Genesis 2, when the Bible says a man shall leave his mother and father (his family basically) and cleave to his wife, the message is clear that marriage is the priority relationship, more important than anything. Again, it’s a covenant. The scripture goes on to say that Adam and Eve were naked and without shame. In other words, they were completely known. This side of the fall, we cannot expect to be completely without shame, but God’s redemption is about redeeming everything, including marriage. And the process of sanctification should include moving our relationship toward being completely known, without shame, before each other. To me, that is the definition of intimacy, which is what we’re all striving for.

Another crucial piece is the way the culture has affected our attitudes about the sexual relationship in marriage. That old “consumer attitude” comes into play again. We have a tendency to think that sex is “all about me. I deserve everything sex has been advertised to be.” I believe the Bible tells us that the sexual relationship is a symbol of what the entire marriage relationship is to be – that the oneness in a sexual relationship (one flesh) is reserved for marriage because marriage is a covenantal relationship where our goal is to be naked and without shame before each other.

But now, in our culture, we’ve separated sexuality from marriage. We’ve also distorted sexuality so that it’s just about pleasure – our pleasure – and we’ve lost so much more than the culture even understands. For Christians to work toward restoring good attitudes about what the sexual relationship should be, I think, would be beneficial to our children and future generations.  

Next month: Recognizing danger signs in your marriage and strategies for preventing divorce.